“You’re so nice to work with!” (and why that’s not always enough)

👋 Hey friends,

I’ve gotten the same feedback my entire career:

“You’re so nice!”
“So easy to work with!”
“Such a team player!”

And I love that. I genuinely like being someone people want to collaborate with. I don’t want to become the PM who bulldozes opinions or makes people feel steamrolled.

But here’s what I’m realizing as I write my self-review this year:

Being nice isn’t the same as being a leader.

And sometimes, being too accommodating actually hurts the team more than it helps.

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My manager has told me this a few different ways over the past year, but it always boils down to the same thing:

“Don’t lose what makes your communication style work. Just trust your opinion more. Share it louder and more often.”

At first, I bristled at that feedback. I thought, “But I do share my opinion. I’m collaborative. I listen to everyone’s input.”

But when I looked back at some projects this year, I saw the pattern he was talking about.

There were moments where I should’ve made a call earlier but didn’t because I wanted consensus.

There were conversations where I had a strong opinion but softened it because I didn’t want to seem difficult.

There were decisions where I deferred to someone else’s judgment even though my gut was screaming that we were going in the wrong direction.

And in almost every case, that hesitation cost us time, clarity, or momentum.

There’s one project I keep coming back to.

We were debating two technical approaches. Engineering was split. Design had opinions. Leadership wanted it done fast.

I had a point of view. I knew which approach made more sense based on customer feedback and our roadmap. But I didn’t want to be the person who “made the call” and cut off the debate.

So I let the conversation go in circles for two more meetings.

By the time we finally decided, we’d lost a week. And we picked the approach I’d been leaning toward all along.

If I’d just said, “Here’s what I think we should do and why. Let’s debate it for 15 minutes and then decide,” we would’ve saved everyone time and frustration.

But I didn’t. Because I was worried that being decisive would make me seem inflexible or difficult to work with.

Here’s the reframe that’s helping me:

Sharing my opinion isn’t being aggressive. It’s giving the team more data.

Maybe we won’t do what I’m suggesting. That’s fine. But at least putting my perspective on the table gives us something concrete to debate.

And if we decide to go a different direction, we’ll be able to explain why we didn’t do it with more confidence.

Silence doesn’t help anyone. It just creates ambiguity.

My manager said something recently that stuck: “You don’t have to lose the parts of your communication style that work. You just need to trust that your opinion deserves to be heard as loudly as anyone else’s.”

That hit me hard. Because I realized I’d been treating my own perspective as optional input instead of essential context.

Here’s the thing about transitioning from customer-facing roles into product:

In CS, support, or onboarding, being accommodating is the entire job. The customer is (usually) right. Your role is to make things easy for them.

But as a PM, accommodating everyone all the time isn’t leadership. It’s avoidance.

Leadership means making tough calls on prioritization even when it disappoints people.

Leadership means mediating between engineering teams when they disagree and driving to a decision.

Leadership means sharing bad news with leadership and falling on swords when things don’t go as planned.

You can do all of that and still be kind. But you can’t do it by being passive.

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Here’s how I’m learning to tell the difference between being a team player and being a doormat:

1. Check your silence

If you’re staying quiet because you genuinely don’t have an opinion yet, that’s fine. Keep listening.

But if you’re staying quiet because you’re worried about how your opinion will land, that’s a red flag.

2. Ask: “Am I helping or avoiding?”

Being a team player means helping the team get to the best answer.

Being a doormat means avoiding conflict even when conflict would lead to clarity.

If deferring a decision or softening your opinion is genuinely helping the team think it through, great. But if you’re just avoiding the discomfort of disagreement, that’s not helping anyone.

3. Remember: Your opinion is data

You’re not being bossy or difficult when you share a strong point of view. You’re giving the team information to work with, another starting point to consider.

Maybe they’ll agree. Maybe they won’t. But at least the conversation will move forward instead of staying stuck in polite ambiguity.

4. Practice making the call

PMs are supposed to make calls. That’s the job.

If no one else is stepping up to decide, that’s your cue. You don’t need perfect information. You don’t need unanimous agreement. You just need to weigh the options and move forward.

Quick Reads on Leadership

If you’re struggling with the nice-vs.-leader tension, try this:

You don’t have to be loud or aggressive. You just have to be clear and confident.

Here’s what I’m working on:

I want to stay collaborative. I want to keep being someone people like working with.

But I also want to trust my own judgment more. I want to make calls when calls need to be made. I want to share my opinion as loudly as anyone else’s.

You can be authoritative and kind. You can be decisive and collaborative. You can lead without bulldozing.

Being nice is great. But leadership requires more than that.

See you in 2026,

– Stef

💬 Want to talk product? I’m mentoring on ADPList! If you’re navigating the shift from team player to team leader, figuring out when to make the call, or just need to process your own self-review feedback, you can book a free session with me right here.

If you like Stef the PM, here are a few other reads worth checking out: